My Words, My Thoughts, My Life, My Friends, My Work, My imaginations

WEEKLY QUOTE: Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, Something is out of tune.

Archive for the tag “love”

Route 2013

Can you believe it is 2013 already?

When did that happen?
When did we grow up?
What happened to all the times when we were kids and had no care in the world except our toys and friends?
And when we were teenagers, it was all what to wear and boys or girls…lol
Now we all grown up, married and popping kids out.
Okay so its 2013 and over the last few days i have been reflecting over the year 2012. All that happened, the Ups and Downs, all the lessons learned throughout the year. these lessons have made me a better person, some i had to learn the hard way, some i learned from other people’s experiences.
Ultimately, i want to apply all of these lessons to my 2013 and make it a memorable, positively uplifting, awesome year, i hope it helps you too.
I know we all like to complain a lot about what we don’t have, and how our life sucks, but one thing i have realised is, you are always way better than someone somewhere, so stop complaining about what you don’t have and be thankful for what you have. I personally believe the more thankful you are for what you do have, the more you would have.
Words are powerful, they can make us or break us, i’m sure you must have heard people say so many times “i shouldn’t have said that” But you can’t take back spoken words.
So Think carefully before you speak.
Think about how what you are about to say would affect the person you are talking to.
Think about the ripple effects of your words
Think about if you really need to talk at that point or its best you keep quiet
Finally, if you must speak, let your words be edifying and not discouraging
Use your words to help people not hurt them.
there is that saying “if you don’t have anything good to say then say nothing”
This is such a big issue for people, yes i know i know, its hard to forgive and forget.
I have discussed this topic too many times and always wind up in the same place, people always say “i will forgive but i can NEVER forget” I agree it very very difficult to forget when someone wrongs you, especially if there is something that constantly reminds you to bring the pain back.
But recently someone said something that made sense about forgiveness.
When someone offends you, first makeup your mind to forgive the person and then when you do forgive, DO NOT bring it up or make reference to it while discussing with the person. it sounds hard but i think it helps and with time you would be able to let go and the pain slowly fades away
We are all humans we make mistakes, most times because we are being stupid or stubborn or just being proud, some mistakes are more explosive and damaging than others, some can be fixed immediately and some stay with us for the rest of our lives, those ones are like breaking a broom stick, you can’t put it back together again, you could try tape it, glue it or staple it but it cannot be the same way it was.
The most important thing is learning from those mistakes  and growing from them, don’t dwell on your past cos you don’t live there anymore and you certainly can’t change it. if you focus on your past mistakes you keep making them over and over again.
You know how you say when one door closes another opens? well sometimes we stand there staring at the closed door and don’t notice the new door open to us.
As we learn from our past mistakes, we should also not dwell on our past success, Yes you did great now move to the next great thing.
Very important, We as humans, we know we are not perfect, but what bothers me is when we seek constant approval, praise or appreciation from others, i’m not saying thats bad because one way or the other we all like attention. When we forget who we are and start to live out our lives for someone else to be happy or satisfied thereby hurting ourselves then there’s a problem.
Learn to appreciate and love yourself for who you are and that would shine through to others and they would appreciate you.
My very good friend told me a while back that no one is responsible for your happiness except you.
No one is allowed or permitted to make you feel sad or worthless without your consent.
you control you own life.
Never allow what people say determine how you live your life or your future, because most times these people don’t even remember the next day what they said about you and if you hold on to it, you would make yourself sad and miserable.
I Hope you all learn something from these lessons, I have and i’m going to apply them in my 2013.



See Me

Hey, I’m staring at you, yes you

I know u are looking at me
But can u SEE ME?

You see me the little girl naive and scared of everything
And has to run to daddy and mommy for every single thing
unsophisticated, cannot stand on her own two feet,
Doesn’t know her left from right or her right from wrong
But do you SEE ME the grown ass mature woman
Who can make her own decision and choices?
You see me the spoiled little boy, had everything handed to him
Ungrateful little brat, doesn’t think of anyone or anything but his damn self.
But do you SEE ME, the man trying to make the best of life,
Trying to make ends meet and provide for his loved ones?
You see me, the insecure girl, who is depressed, deprived,
self-conscious, oppressed, obsessed with trying too hard,
Cos she is afraid she’ll never be loved for who she is
But do you SEE ME the confident, stunning, beautiful independent,
Strong lady who has evolved?
You see me the douche bag, mean, lying, self-absorbed,
insensitive, ungrateful young man, ego as big as a bag of rice on my shoulder
But do you SEE ME, the selfless, considerate, sweet, amazingly incredible lover, who would do anything for his woman?
You see me the shallow, selfish, silly, dull, clumsy, wimp
But do you SEE ME the deep, intelligent, creative, brilliant guru
You see me your goofy bestfriend, always there when your heart has been broken, the shoulder to cry on when your world crumbles
But do you SEE ME the one that wants earnestly to be your soul mate and love you like no one else would?
I’m here, i’m there, I’m wherever you want me to be
Cos i can’t stop looking at you, i can’t stop staring at you
I’m screaming, whaling, scratching, digging
Trying so freaking hard to get your attention
Can’t you SEE ME? i’m right in front of you
and you don’t even know i’m there
You act like i don’t exist
No matter how hard I try or what I do, you keep staring at the “ME” u want to see
what am i to do now?
should i keeping standing in front of you
hoping, someday, somehow  you see me?
the “ME” that i want you to SEE?
the “ME” that the rest of the world sees?
Sometimes, i want to throw my hands up and say
Screw this shit, i don’t care anymore
But you are the one that matters
you are the one that needs to SEE ME.
So i’ll wait, through the hurt and the pain
Till you SEE ME


How do i feel about sundays?
Ermmm Sleepy!!!!
I wasn’t kidding when i said so
But seriously though
It has been the same since i was eight
Mum used to say
We cannot be late
I hated sunday mornings
Just cos
arrrghhh i had to get up at 5am
I could barely open my eyes
Mum kept knocking on the door
“you need to get up”
5 mins more please.
Can i just sleep for 5 more mins
We had to beat everyone to church to get a good seat
My tummy was always in a knot
how can you get up that early
and have nothing to eat.
in the car my lil sister is jumping up and down
pisses me off
How can someone be that excited this early in the morning
I manage to shut the noise from her mouth out
Maybe i can snooze a lil before we get to church
drifted off for something that felt like 2 seconds
And the happy noise again
“we are here, we are here”
I just felt like slapping her
but the throbbing headache stopped me.
I loved the praise and worship
and the choir ministration
angelic voices and the cute choir leader
I always stare at him.
If i could just hang him up in my room and press his nose whenever i want him to sing
nahhhh! i bet he could do much more with those beautiful, full, firm looking lips,
hmmmm, wondered what they taste like…vanilla, strawberries, mashed mellows… Yummy!!!
And SMACK!!!! At the back of my head
Mum knocked me out of my day dream
Stand up! she frowned at me.
oh crap! its time for the hymn
I was embarrassed by the “less than holy thought” i was having in church
I shrugged at my human self and joined the congregation to sing.
Our pastor had a way with words
ministers to my soul
uplifts my spirit
the words in the same bible i read makes more sense when he says it.
I feel refreshed, powerful, confident when i leave the church
but now i’m thinking about food
Its 10am and i feel like i haven’t eaten for days
Join mum in the kitchen to make breakfast
toast, eggs, hashed browns, mum special sauce… yummmmmm
I can’t move a muscle, i’m so full
All i could think about was my bed and soft pillows
I stagger to my room and just before i close my eyes i glance at the time 12 noon
Thoughts of the cute choir leader’s lips flood by mind
I smile off to dream land
Sunday afternoon sleep is the sweetest
always tell my friends don’t u dare call me after 12 noon on sunday.
And even though i’m all grown up and living on my own,
no matter what i’m doing at noon on sundays
All i wanna do crawl up somewhere and sleep the rest of the day.


The meaning of color

This was written by my very young friend. Enjoy!!! and Share!!!

No matter how many ways it’s thought about, and told not to matter, color still means a lot to me. For one? I’m what many would call white-washed. It’s just the way I was raised. And of course, this didn’t really bother me, I mean I hung out with Caucasians all the time, but I didn’t think about one major difference between the all of us. I was black, African-Native, and they were not. I had a coloring in a mixture of brown and black, and they had different versions of white. Blue eyes, brown hair; green eyes, blond hair. I didn’t realize just how much I didn’t fit in until I met Seth Richard. He was white, as white as could be really, with an all American background and family. I had the biggest crush on him, until the day I talked to him. We were on the bus, and laughing at some joke that Emily, his younger sister, made. And then we went under a tunnel and Seth burst out laughing, causing all eyes to turn to him. In reply, he stated with a wide grin:

“Holy shit Lauren, I can’t see anything but your smile right now!”

The rest of the gang burst into uncontrollable laughter when Emily added that I would make a great ninja. Brandon, Seth’s closest friend then added: “Or a great thief at night”. I know, they were kidding, they were just messing around! But it was at that moment that I became so awakened at my true color. I was black, a mix of black and brown, and they were not. Seth had the brightest blue eyes, and the darkest shade of blonde hair I’d ever seen, but he was still white. And I was not.

I kept pushing away my difference in color. I mean, I hung out with white people too often to realize that I just wasn’t them. Soon after, I realized I couldn’t even trust them like I wished to. Their problems were: “My mom won’t get me the new iphone, so I’m settling for s samsung” and mine were: “What should I cook for this evening” Then the differences became more and more obvious. They could wear the shortest shorts, and the slimmest dresses, but for me, and even though I was young, I still had a form of hips. Noticeable hips that paired with a very slender torso. I couldn’t be flat, and so I started telling myself I was fat, I was too wide and nothing looked good on me. I also learned that that’s what brought some guys to me, only, I learned it in the worst way. It was winter ball, and I was wearing a tight fitting beautiful one shoulder silver dress. I felt beautiful in it, and I was told I was also. At the location of the dance, I met a guy named Charlie. He was beautiful, there was just no other name for him. With bright hazel eyes and shaggy brown hair, I just couldn’t hold back in wanting to meet him.

“So, Charlie, I hear you can dance”

When I said this, He smiled almost smugly. “You’ve heard correctly”

I took a hold of his hand and pulled him toward the dance floor. It was a song I knew well, and so singing to it came on reflex. Charlie complimented me on my singing just as we began dancing. It was perfect. The lights were dim, the music blasting and I couldn’t get over the feel of his warm hands on my waist. When the song was over, I took him back to his friends and told him he was right, I mean, he was a good dancer for sure. When I reached my other friends, who all had witnessed our little grind session, They laughed and agreed when I said he was hot. Then, his cousin, Kayla, came up and was all:

“I’m guessing you like him?”

I shrugged. “He’s cute”

She then smiled and said. “Well, he said the same, only uh, he seemed to like that ass of yours more than anything”

She joined my friends in their laughter, but I could only look at where Charlie was standing, he glanced at my body then turned his attention away with a smile, dismissing me almost instantly. That was my breaking point. I mean, I’m not saying I am exactly the most beautiful thing in the world, but I do feel that I at least look pretty. It didn’t help though, that every other freshman had done something; had their first kiss, had at least one boyfriend in their time. Me? I was a kiss-virgin, church-going, thirteen year old girl, who had never felt more…alone in her life. My Roommate at the time could tell I was upset, she noticed I had been crying in the car while she sat in the back with her date (who later became her boyfriend of only two weeks). But instead of telling her exactly how I felt, I brushed her off completely.

I didn’t want her to know I was upset, because I wanted to be pretty enough to have a boyfriend, or at least be less awkward enough to know how to flirt. The only person who seemed to see me as more, was my best friend, Alkali, who at the time had better things to do with his life then bother it with my problems.

Alkali had known me for about twelve years. Even though we had lost contact, I still never forgot about him. Sometimes, I even felt as if I was in love with him. But then, I got pushed back into reality whenever he would promise to call me back and somehow forget, or “lose my number”. In other words, I really hated him on the other times. He always had drama as his best friend, so I guess he didn’t need me after all.

But there were times, when I didn’t feel so alone. I would call very late, at at least twelve midnight. And he would read his poetry, which really was the only window to his real thoughts and feelings, to me. And sometimes, if I got lucky, and he wasn’t to busy flirting with random girls or boys, he would sing to me. He was a tone deaf singer when he was tired, but I loved it, because his voice wasn’t perfect. Which was perfect to me, because I felt as if I could use a little imperfection. He would talk about his family problems, and I felt special, because at least he trust me with all of his problems. He was a bisexual drama queen, and I couldn’t have had any one better than a great guy like him, who I still think I’m falling madly in love with.

The color of my skin made me feel…too different. I was always worried that people were just as paranoid about skin color as I was. So, I was always focused on trying not to look in the mirror too long, and gaze at my dark brown eyes in disgust because hell, They were just too plain. Wearing bikini’s were also a problem. I didn’t have my curves (I still don’t) and I felt that my breasts were just too small to look good with such obvious hips. My thighs always looked to big, sometimes too small. It was written in bold letters, that I am too imperfect.

I was a white washed black girl, obviously a disgrace to black people who loved the skin they were in. I always felt as if there was always too much wrong with me.

That hope for finding a guy that could accept me a hundred percent seemed too far away, too much of a dream. I mean gosh! I was told many times, I can’t dance, yet my hips can. I was two people trapped in the body of someone who could’ve been beautiful if I just let myself see that. I wanted someone to love me, but the love I wanted so badly, was too far beyond my years.

I’m fourteen now, still holding on the dream of finding someone perfect. But until that happens, I’m more focused on trying to see me. The real me. The girl that loves to read, to write, to sing, to dance, to make people happy, to be the greatest I can be. I just want to be me.

I want people to look at me and smile a real smile. I want people to see that I am a good person, I’m just a good person with low self-confidence.

The meaning of my color has always been said to mean strength. To be black, and have to deal with the judgmental looks others give just because we are a minority group. TO be strong means to be able to fight on. So yeah, I’m not perfect. I’m not beautiful, and I’m the most bipolar person you can meet.

But at least I’m trying. At least I’m still fighting to be the best I can be.

I’m still running toward the finish line, because take away my insecurities, and out blooms who I really am. A Black-Native girl, mixed of black and brown, and a white smile you can see through a tunnel. A girl with an unfinished figure, and a mane of curls I can only tame with three hours of straightening. A girl who holds on to the dream that someone will love me for being me.

Then again, I’m hoping for a love beyond my years.

But what do I know after all? Hell, I’m just a fourteen year old girl getting a little stronger each and every day.



The Pain in My Chest

Saturday night or i should say morning Rachel glanced at the alarm clock

It was 3:15 am again

This was the 5th night she was waking up at exactly the same time
Waking up to the same sharp pain
she pushed herself out of bed, to the bathroom
Opened the wardrobe at the top of the mirror
Popped two pills (tylenol)
Her eyes were burning red
Thinking to herself
I am tired, oh sooooo tired of this pain
It won’t go away
I have tried everything
This pain in my chest, i have taken every pain pill i know of
Nothing worked
This pain in my chest, i tried to drink it all away
All i got was drunk with empty bottles of pinot noir
This pain in my chest, all the sweet words of my loved ones
Won’t heal it.
Ok! she thought tomorrow is sunday, i am going to pray this pain away
Early sunday morning, she got dress in her best skirt suit
Made her way to church
Even though she has not been there in months
She prayed hard
Asked God to take this pain away
Sunday night/ morning, 3:15 am she was up again
This night worse than the others
Felt like someone was squeezing from the inside
She staggered to the bathroom, popped two more pills
She called her doctor, Sorry to bug you this late doc
I need to come in the morning
I can’t seem to shake this pain in my chest
Monday morning
Grabbed her cup of coffee
Got into her car
plugged her iPhone
Fired up her Favourite playlist
Music will make me feel better she thought
Emeli Sande, Snow Patrol, Jessie J, Natasha Bedingfield, Frank Ocean
She socked in every single lyric as she drove to the doctor’s office
Series of exams later
She sitting in the waiting room
Fidgeting, biting her finger nails, paranoid
Freaking out
Do i have some kind of condition?
Am i going to need surgery?
The doctor came back with the results
Would you step into my office he says
Now she’s shaking, hot and cold all at once
Doc opens his mouth to speak and she closed her eyes
waiting for the worst
I don’t know how to say this but
Rachel, there is nothing wrong with you physically
I’m sorry but i think it is all in your head
I suggest you go see your therapist
“You want me to go see a shrink” she snapped at him
Thanks for your time doctor,
she stormed out of the office
Heart racing
the shooting pain was back
She rushed to her car, tears in her eyes
She sat down for a few minutes
Her head on the steering wheel
She put her palm on her chest
She let her mind flash back through the last one week
Thought of all that happened
Events that she suppressed and blocked out
As the memories flushed back, the pain worsened
Then she realised it
It was her heart, nursing this pain in her chest
Poor Little Rachel
Her precious heart was broken.


She flipped the switch on in the bathroom
A bright light came on
She rushed to the mirror to look at her face
she smiled, it was still perfect looking
Even after all the dancing and sweat.
She took a few minutes to appreciate how flawless her skin looked
Her perfectly arched brows, her carefully shaded and highlighted cheek bones
Flush of pink blusher that warmed her face up
Beautiful colours that brightened up her eyes

and those perfectly shaped lips

She giggled
saying to herself “you can’t go wrong with Ruby woo”
Thank you Mac for covering those scars
Thank you NYX for hiding the dark circles under my eyes
she kept staring at herself
then the voices started
you’ll look better with smaller lips
your forehead is too big
your nose is too wide
your eyes are to wide apart
Did you see tope at the party today?
why can’t you be more like her?
She played back the scene
Everyone was talking about how how tight Tope’s abs are.
Yep! she muttered Tope is perfect
she closed her eyes for a second and flipped it open
but the voice only got louder
they were screaming at her
you are too fat
your thighs are too thick
you butt is too small
your boobs are too small
you are not perfect.
she put her hands on her head
shut her eyes really really tight
and screamed “SHUT UP”
they were gone
all the voices
Took another look in the mirror
she started laughing
I know i’m not perfect
No one is
I fail I fall I falter
I make mistakes
I have FLAWS but they are AWESOME
God took his time to make me the way I am
So I am unique.
No one is like me.
I am one of a Kind
she took out her blot powder
touched up her face
took one last look
a smile and a wink.
and went back to the party


Another 9R33N

My mum have been on and on about how untidy my room is.

I can’t be bothered to fix this,with my bathroom looking like a kitchen.

Littered with several cups because I keep taking a new one whenever I get hiccups chilling in my bath tub.

Who cares if my bed is my wardrobe and I’m sleeping under it with a necklace hanging almost from my ear lobes.

My waste bin sits right in front of my TV because every trash I throw has to sink like a free throw.

Yeah,I love basketball that much.

I think about it like it was some woman I long to hump.

Oh well,that’s it!

I’m not even wearing a basketball kit

Because in this world,it doesn’t fit.

Here,there are candles lit.

Different colors in several shapes.

Shapes! In front of me there’s a form behind the drapes.

Something like a figure eight.

And then two things glows through.

They look like pebbles.

I step a little closer,they shine brighter.

Then a split right below this pair of diamonds.

Then I see them,other sparkling diamonds.

About 32 of them in two layers.

Coming towards me,it steps out of the darkness.

I’m Star struck!Oh my goodness.

Where did she come from?

Looking flawless like a goddess.

Or even some princess.

Butterflies fly all over

Making circles in my stomach

My intestines feel intertwined

Like I had some wine in excess.

This creature hit me like a tornado

Leaves my inside a mess

Just as my room is a mess.

Only this tornado smells nice.

She parts her lips to smile.

Opens her mouth slightly

Before she says anything I give her a kiss first.

I am afraid she might swing her hand to my face.

To my surprise she kisses me back

Even deeper, I am thrown aback

The butterflies in my stomach

For a second they act like scorpions

Crawl for half a second then sting the other split second.

Then like ripples,goose pimples invade my arms.

Layer after layer they spread like wild fire

The taste in my mouth is sweet

I have never tasted anything like it

That’s when she speaks

She speaks to me in a voice so sleek

Oh,This is real! What a feel!

She says to me,come with me

That’s when she walks back how she came.

And I follow as I ask for her name.



Pacing up and down in the living room

I said to myself

Today is the day,

I am going to do it

I am going to find my voice
I will tell you exactly  how i feel
I have been waiting for so long
picked up my glass of chardonnay
took a big gulp
looked over at the bottle,
it was almost empty
i kept drinking
As thought about it carefully
Over and over again in my head
I heard the door open
My hearts skipped a beat
My mouth suddenly turned dry
My palm sweating
it was time
I Open my mouth to speak and it all came gushing
like water through a broken cistern
How could you do these to me? i screamed
I gave you  everything
my whole world, My life, My love, My heart
And you act like it means nothing to you.
Who was there when u were nothing?
Who was there when you were down?
Who was there when u needed someone to believe in you?
i asked between gritted teeth
Now u have it all
everything u ever dreamed of and it becomes so easy to forget
We don’t mean nothing to you anymore?
i was shaking, screaming at the top voice
i could feel my lungs aching
NO NO NO!!!!
You can’t throw all we toiled to build away
you just can’t
I won’t let you.
I’m talking to you
Look at me
please answer, say something,
ANSWER ME damn it!!!!!!
Silence was all i could hear and the sound of my heart racing
I was so mad, pretending you can’t hear me?
My blood was boiling
I couldn’t take it anymore
There was nothing i could do
So, i THREW A PUNCH real hard
Instantly, i felt a sense of release,
It was replaced by a sharp pain
Then the smell of fresh blood filled my nostrils
And there came the voice of my frightened 2year old baby girl “MAMAAAAA” she cried out
I looked at my fist, still moulded from throwing that punch
dripping with blood
I looked up slowly to the hundred images of myself in the shattered mirror in front of me.

My Art

My Art
Colours I breathe, I see, I love, I want
Patterns and shapes that inspire my being.
Whimsical I am when I see my art in the purest form.
My spirit sings like the early morning birds with every picture perfect look that stares me right in the eye.
My body screams with every perfectly contoured crease and cheeks.
My soul smiles with every carefully pouty lip, divinely shaped.
Beautiful, flawless, unforgettable  skin like it was dipped in honey and gold.
Now my heart weeps, why why why don’t you understand my art?
You pretend you do, but u have no idea
A disease that eats your deep inside
And pride!!!!!!
a virus that runs through your body
The two together? Deadly.
My heart weeps again and again cos my art suffers in the hands of you.
What keeps me going?
Passion!!!!! Love!!!! For my ART


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WEEKLY QUOTE: Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, Something is out of tune.


the universe within.